Here lies the truth - the emotional and heartwrenching truth:

If I were to say anything, you would've thought you won.

2009-11-18T07:43:00Z

But you didn't. And I don't. So you lose.

The love you don't feel when you're holding me.

2009-11-14T09:20:31Z

How does it feel?

2009-11-11T08:27:55Z

If I get stressed out...

2009-09-29T04:07:33Z

about an English course in Davis, I don't know why I would even think about transferring to Dartmouth. :(

This is how it's meant to be.

2009-09-23T10:43:43Z

I can talk you off the ledge. Wouldn't it be nice to have that all the time? I could mean everything to you because you already mean everything to me.

Ever had that feeling that even though you do not have feelings for that person, but if given the chance, you can learn to love them? Yeah. Something like that.

I hope he breaks your heart.

2009-09-08T11:49:04Z

Livejournal:

2009-09-01T22:42:12Z

I have moved on: www.thechunkiest.tumblr.com. But it's alright though because this Livejournal had some really depressing posts, and I decided to move on to TUMBLR, WHERE I DON'T HAVE AS MANY. DON'T WORRY, I WILL COME BACK ONCE IN A WHILE.

LIVEJOURNAL

2009-08-30T09:42:51Z

YOU ARE DEAD TO ME.

And so the feeling settles in:

2009-08-03T03:37:02Z

Summer's not the same without you.

I am pretty sure...

2009-06-30T05:22:53Z

that one time or another, someone has used a metaphor about something or someone being the poison that slowly deteriorated you, but you kept drinking that poison or letting them sting you because you liked it, or even worse, you liked THEM.

But there comes a time in your life when you are brave enough, or you are forced to (for sometimes, we would like to say we are brave enough, but it just a matter of situations, predicaments, and time) suck out that poison. And believe me, when that poison is out of your life, no matter how happy you thought you were; you realize that happiness is talking to friends for seven hours straight, or taking your nephew out to his favorite restaurant, or baking cupcakes and putting them in cones, or even meeting wonderful, new people.

So just think about it, if there is poison in your life, you either die with the venom in you, or you somehow manage to take it now.

I don't know where this metaphor is going, but it is fitting.

When I came back to San Jose:

2009-06-20T08:40:39Z

When I came back to San Jose a week earlier, I felt that my friends have moved on while staying in the same place, but now I know, and thank goodness for it, that they always have a place in their hearts for me.

Thank you, Olivia, Kristin, and Patrick, and others who are still in San Jose, and still have a piece of me with them.

You don't know how much it means to me to have two equally loving places to call home.

The Hypocrite in Me:

2009-06-17T23:40:43Z

Lisa made me think, and she was right. I am a hypocrite, and I never wanted to admit it to myself, but hypocrisy doesn't mean lack of integrity. It just means ignorance.

And I was ignorant, but I figure now, that it's okay to be hypocritical. I guess I'll just never say never again. But I know one thing for sure, I'm glad this erasure is happening.

And the only reason why I am disgusted at you is because I am disgusted at the similarities. I fucking hate the similarities between us. Erasure.

I guess I can admit that I did look down on people who drank alcohol - now, I don't. I understand. I am a hypocrite. Erasure.

I guess weed is a possibility in my future, but I'm not saying I'm going to or not going to. It's a grey area. Erasure.

The young me once promised that I would never intentionally put smoke in my lungs - I've already broken that, but I don't want to do it again. Ever. But I guess I can accept that I might. Herein lies the hypocrisy. Erasure.

Louder, louder:

2009-06-10T02:31:35Z

"I'll sing it one last time for you, but then we'd really have to go." Brown and white packing boxes litter my dorm room floor as you try to sift your way through to my delofted my bed. My blanket and plaid shirt lays scattered on my unmade bed. You take a deep sigh and fall down into it.

You lay asunder.

You wrap yourself up in me. My blanket intertwine with your legs, with your body, and you smile that odd smile of yours. You reach for my plaid shirt, and slip it on. I think of the cinnamon and copper mixing with the smell I am so familiar with.

"And I can barely look at you, but every single time that I do..." I crawl into my own bed, and curl up into a ball. You hug me ever so tightly, and there is a sense of never letting go. You never want me to go. I close my eyes, and I feel you heaving, and I feel the same sorrow that you feel. I take my fingers and wipe the hurt from your eyes.

"To think I might not see those eyes makes it so hard not to cry, and as we say our long goodbyes, I nearly die." You know what this summer brings - a severed connection, a distance that makes our hearts forget. But you say it is too soon, and you will never forget. We are human beings, we are resilient, we will forget. You will forget me, and I will forget what this was. What this happiness meant. I will forget what you meant. To me.

And so our hearts beat in harmony, and you look at me for one last time. And you know that after this spring, the fall will come, and you will fall out of love with me. For sometimes, distance makes the heart grow colder. And come the fall, there will be nothing left between us except a chasm. A huge chasm that swallows any of our feelings whole.

And so louder, louder, and then we'll run back to our lives. I finally understand why you can't raise your voice to say goodbye. That this was goodbye.

The first C:

2009-06-08T19:25:04Z

I think I might get my first C ever, and it's probably because of an essay. A FUCKING ESSAY. :( Apparently, I can't write scientifically, and that is why I got a 70/100 on my final paper for Crisis in the Environment. I will probably go die now. :(

SCRATCH THAT, I HAVE A B IN THE CLASS. I AM SO HAPPY I COULD HUG CALVIN.

Life's like an hourglass glued to the table:

2009-06-07T00:32:41Z

One minute, you’re crying your heart out on that graduation podium, staring at the 1000 kids gazing back at you. You’re talking about how life’s like a ride, and high school was just a huge pit stop on your journey. The minutes trickle down, and you wonder where the hell time went.

The next minute, you’re moving into your dorm as your mother cries and doesn’t let you go because she loves you so. You adjust to the college style because you said it yourself - you needed change from San Jose. You wanted to get away from everything.

Another minute, you’re meeting the people you are going to live with, and you have a Thanksgiving dinner away from home. You smile and have never been that happy in such a long time. The cheap chicken, the overcooked rice, the four girls and Brian saying what they are thankful for. And Quynh stating, “I’m thankful for you guys.” And you are laughing, and you are having a wonderful time.

One more minute, and you are being dragged from your dorm room to the elevator, then to the pool by people you have come to love and bear. You exchange minutes for memories - the drunken nights, the not-so drunken nights, the nostalgia that ensued when we talked about when we were younger. We always refused to grow up. We still refuse to grow up.

Just another minute, you said. Please, just another minute. Life comes down to a person’s minutes being traded in for memories. Either you are stuck mesmerized by that glued hourglass, or you forget that it’s there, and move on, and make those memories - there’s nothing else you can do. Stop watching time trickle down like sand grains in an hourglass.

One minute, you’re graduating from high school; the next minute, you’re packing and leaving your dorm, and finishing your first year of college.

One more week, one more week:

2009-06-03T09:06:34Z

One more week. D: But I am glad to be home for the summer, and get to see the people that came first in my life.

I never know what to call it:

2009-05-25T01:07:15Z

This game we play spins us around as you hit the ball left and right, and I run laps trying to clear my waried head. With every lap, every breath, I sigh and heave, and collect your stolen glances in the pocket of my heart.

The sun intermingles with the wind to create the perfect day. Cloudless skies, the temperature just warm enough to go swimming, but cool enough to leave the sweat inside closed doors and around track laps. Taking in the sun rays, feeling my feet brush the green grass, staring at the leaves struggling to break free of the trees - it all seemed so perfect.

And yet, you moved with such swagger, such freedom that even the sun hides away from your perfection. But we both know that the facets of your imperfection was what I fell for, and what I left you for.

"Come over after you shower. I don't want you to smell." And yet, I cannot say no because your roommate has left, and you are alone inside that room of yours. And I've never lain on your bed, and it seems that I haven't forgotten what you smelled like. I think it was a twinge of cinnamon mixed with copper. Yes, an odd smell, but it ever so lingered on the tip of my nose, and nibbled at my senses.

How can I resist?

And so I moved towards you, and you offer me something to drink. Something fruity, Fuze, pink and cold inside of my stomach. And you looked at me with such longing eyes, "I've always liked your hair, you know that?" I sit on your bed, legs throbbing. I looked at you and remember the broken english you sometimes fall into.

"Can you just give me a hug now?" I hesitate as you move closer.

I hate this part right here.

"I don't understand why you don't like me." I hate it when you're like this. I hate it when you know what you've did wrong, and I hate it how I keep coming back. You wrap your arms around my neck, and I remember this part. I remember the smell of cinnamon around your neck, and now on my lips. I feel you again breathing next to me, and you start heaving, and crying on my shoulders. And I can't do it. I hate this part right here.

I feel the dampness of your rue on my neck, and you say anything to please me, "I will tell everyone if it makes you happy," no, that won't make me happy. This can't make me happy. But of course, your sadness, it is bitter and sweet, just like your smell - sweet and strange.

And so we lay on your bed and gaze out the window. And I try my best to dry your tired eyes. And the sunlight hits our faces, and in this cluttered room of yours, there is a sense of emptiness within resolution. And your tired eyes know that our love will not leave this room, it will not ever bask in the sun's light. And you hold onto me because we both know thats the only thing you can do.

It's the only thing we both can do.

And our bodies are like vines - intertwined. And I know, above all else that I hate this part the most.

Sometimes, it knocks you down:

2009-05-16T22:33:02Z

You: hey bb
Me: Don't call me that. >>
You: lol sorry
You: i look like Taeyang dont i
Me: hahaha, only sometimes. :)
You: ima cut my hair like that
You: so u can like me
Me: Hahaha, how'd you know I like him so much?
You: newsfeed about him
Me: Hahaha
You: fuk u know i have been thinkin about us n how we would be good for each other
You: i cant explain it but i know it u know???
Me: Hahaha
You: stop laughing at me
Me: You're silly
You: fuk u i cant help it u make me gay
Me: I know, I see you looking at me all the time. You should stop, by the way.
You: dam am i that obvious
You: i cant help it
Me: It's okay, I look at you all the time.
You: im good lookin that why
Me: hahaha, you're so fucking cheesy. And gay. >:l
You: hahaha watever man when are u gonna give me anoter chance???
Me: I'll think about it. You tell me if you still have feelings for me when summer ends.
You: alrite ill be thinkin about u
Me: LOL SHUT UP, HAHAHA LET'S GO RUNNING.
You: no u hurt my feeling
Me: HAHAHA, SHUT UP, LET'S GOOOOOO. :D
You: ok

For I swear:

2009-05-14T06:31:26Z

I wonder if you regret it all; I know I do.

I'm trying to get in shape, but it is not working. :( I want to look like one of those meat heads (okay, not that extreme), but you know what I'm talking about. I don't know why people complain about them; they have such discipline. I want that self-discipline.

So as for now, I will get into shape. I will study my hardest, and look my best. :) The world will be mine for the taking! :)

Postal Service - Clark Gable.

2009-05-04T19:47:24Z

And so it is:

2009-04-21T09:23:51Z

It's over. No closure. It just is.

Sometimes, some things...

No. There's no use trying to explain it.

There's no need for an explanation, is there?

I dreamed a dream that made life worth living.

2009-04-20T01:11:30Z

You decide to take the subway today because you are sick of your life of leisure. You just want to be normal again – the days before you were missing when Mama cooked those little rice dumplings for lunch, and made you a little sandwich filled with her famous seasoned beef and little pickled carrots for you every time you went out. She would always say something like, “Come home before dinner,” as you slip into your Converse shoes and practically run out the door.
You smile as you remember those days when you weren’t caged to the life you live now, to the empire that you built, you wish to spread your wings once more, and run down the streets at the swiftest speed trying to catch the roaring subway underground where the planes hover invisibly overhead.
Walking into the underground, you are drowned by the noise of subways taking their fastest velocity delivering those with happier lives to their happier jobs. When you were little, you loved the subway so much because you always imagined you were underneath the ocean, the propelling subways sounded like ocean waves crashing into distant shores; you can almost imagine holding a shell to your ear to hear the sound of the ocean vibrating in your eardrums.
The hair on your arms stand on its end as you remember the childhood you left behind, the nostalgia hitting your nostrils as the smell of strangers pass you by as they are taking flight from this ocean, and you get stolen glances, and double takes as people swear they’ve seen you before. They’ve seen you trapped in between those four walls, they envy you, think that you are happy in that cage, yet you long to be just like them. Don’t get it wrong, you love where you came from, where you have been; the uncertainty of what’s next, but you know, above everything else, you ache of loneliness.
You stand waiting for the subway, taking in the sights of empty faces filling up vacant spaces. You breathe in the air of dilapidated undergrounds, of homeless people begging for money, of dim lights illuminating corners. You sit on a bench and you wait for the subway, you decide to let this take you wherever it goes.
Lost in your reverie, you notice a familiar face across the subway rails. The dark light cascades upon his face and the droplets of light dances around your eyes as his beauty unfolds before you. Your heart skips a beat, and you smile from ear to ear and hope that no one recognizes you. You look upon his features that almost seem birdlike, almost seem unconventionally handsome. You wave to him, and say his name, and you blush because everyone else can hear you, but he can’t.
You settle for stolen glances, you look at him mesmerized, the room evanesces before you, and there is only you and him. In the distance, a boat tries to signal you back from your reverie, but you are swimming in his presence, yet drowning in the way he looks. You and him are alone, you’ve never felt so at home within his presence. What must it take, you think, for him to notice you? You barely know him, and yet you are so eager to know more, to glide with him, and you swear it’ll be like flying when he wraps his arms around you. You swear it’ll be perfect as you imagine outspread wings and breaking free.
You know it is too soon, but you wish he’d fall in love. The subway propels forward causing the scenery to solidify around you again. He gets onto the subway, and you are bolted to the spot. He is listening to music, and you wonder what it is. You realize that time together is never just quite enough. You’ve never felt so at home, but if this is what you call home, why do you still feel so alone? You’d wish he’d fall in love with you ever since you’ve met him. Actually, you realize that you’d wish he’d fall in love with you all the time.

Men (especially TaeYang):

2009-04-16T03:38:06Z

I have impossible taste in men. I wonder why guys even tolerate me.

Hmm...

2009-04-15T09:43:51Z

There are days when I realize or get this surge of how much hatred I have for you.

Who the fuck:

2009-04-10T22:56:58Z

Who the fuck farts when you're making out with them? Of the several guys I've made out in college, you are probably the worst. And you're disgusting. Why the fuck did I ever do that?

Well, this blog is about the rites of passages and the mistakes that I will about to make. You see, high school for me was a learning process, but you had to deal with those people for four years, and as for me, I had an image to keep, and don't get me wrong, I loved it. I grew a lot from it, but it's college now. I want to make college mistakes.

Last Friday, I went to a party. Drank a lot. Don't remember a thing, but apparently, from what I heard from the people I went to party with, it was bad - awful even. I had puked on my scarf after downing 14 shots within an hour. Ran towards the bathroom, locked myself in there, barfed so much in the bathroom that it was a warzone after, passed out in the bathroom in my own puke (no doubt), and bruised and cut myself in several places. It was a good thing my friends were there to take care of me. Why am I telling you this? Because, although I am ashamed, I am glad it has happened. I am human; I make mistakes, we all do. We all want to, and I'm not going to waste my youth being a prude. I'm not going to do it again though.

And on several occassions, I thought I've liked people, I really did, but it turns out I didn't, and the mess that I've made, the fact that I moved too fast was a mistake. And these mistakes I am willing to embrace simply because it's college; this is how I will grow. And college, believe it or not, is where you can blame everything on the mistakes you've made (well, not really, but I hope you get my drift), and besides, what's good of life if you aren't out there, making mistakes, but having a good time?

I did. You should too.